Do Not Buy is an ignominious rant against horrible crimes in men’s clothing. May contain: EXTREME SARCASM, DERISION, ANIMOSITY, MALICE, and/or PEEVISHNESS. Caution is advised.
Summer’s coming and that means it’s swim time. But since this is America, a sexy black speedo has no business being anywhere near you; especially not on you. Are you a professional athelete… in swimming? Then don’t do it. Unless you have the body of Adonis, these tight nut-hugging elastine cheek protectors are not going to do you any favors.
Too Much Skin
Speedos are the male equivalent of Brazilian string bikinis; they hide almost nothing, and you have to have a killer body to even have a chance of looking decent in them. But, for sake of argument, let’s say you have the body of a Greek god. The bare minimum you should ever wear is this number worn by Daniel Craig in Casino Royal. Now that’s a good look.
Too Much Info
When something is this tight and this small, you show off everything you have to the world. Do you know which random people on the beach want to see all of that? Literally none of them. Think back to that time at the gym when the older guy decides it’s time to change…don’t be that guy. It’s one thing in a locker room — it’s a lot worse in public.
Too Little Style
The beach is the time to show off all of your hard work in the gym; take advantage of the opportunity to do this in the most flattering and stylish way possible. Add some color, some texture, some fun to your summer with a pair of classy and stylish swim trunks…you won’t be disappointed, and the beach-going public will thank you.
Have something that you hate about men’s clothing? Nominate it in the comments and I may choose your pet peeve to roast in an upcoming episode!